If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
Randomize
