Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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