They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Randomize
