i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
