thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
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