It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
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