nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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