Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Randomize
