peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
A bitchslap is in order.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Randomize
