I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
