I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
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