Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Randomize
