I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
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