I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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