Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
