I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Randomize
