Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
