Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I love having hate sex.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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