You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Randomize
