It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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