I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Randomize
