You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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