The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
