im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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