If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
