She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
