It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Randomize
