There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Randomize
