we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize