Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
