Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
