I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
