I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Randomize
