i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
i now understand why vodka
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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