Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
