Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Randomize