brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
