Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
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