Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
