mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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