hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
