Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
no, he came in my armpit
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
