i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
