WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
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