So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
You're like the curious george of whores
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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