my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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