When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
