there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
