It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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