took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
