alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
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