her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Randomize
