I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
