The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
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