You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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