I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Come on in and take your pants off
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