I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
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