I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
