I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
You can't just leave with hair like that
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
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