Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
