Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
My vagina is officially offended.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
