Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Michael Bay diarrhea
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
