There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Randomize
