Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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