I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
She's the barista slut.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
