Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
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