I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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